Head vs Heart

Something deep inside of me wants to do everything I know I shouldn't.

It feels like my heart is fighting my head.

My heart: I want to quit. I want to drop out. I want to give up all ties, live in a van, and just surf. I hate 'the system' so much I want to live outside of it; either actively defying it like a hippie or completely ignoring it like a monk.

My head: I want to be a contributing member of society. I want to help fix it - mold it into the type of system I'm happy to be a part of. I want security - a stable job and weekly routine. I want the satisfaction of knowing I've done everything in my power to become the best I'm capable of becoming.

If it makes so much sense to be practical, to operate within the boundaries of how the world really works, then why does it often feel so wrong?

In my heart I'm brave and adventurous. In my mind I'm scared and risk-averse.

This tug of war is endless because it's a balanced match.

On one side the motivation seems to come from an unknown and endless internal source. I imagine this is the inspiration and bottomless determination the best athletes, artists, and intellects of all time are born with. It's what made Michael Jordan the GOAT and allowed Ernest Shackelton to save his crew against all odds after being stranded in Antarctica.

The other side is fueled externally. The sources of motivation are easier to identify:

• Cultural norms and social pressures

• Strong advice from parents, teachers, and other figures of authority

• The ever-present nudges from media

It's what kept Andre Agassi playing tennis for 30 years despite hating the sport. It's what leads the 800 or so climbers to attempt summiting Mount Everest each year.

The skill is still just as impressive, the feats of accomplishment just as astonishing, but the motivation - at least in hindsight - changes the narrative. It's less pure, less admirable.

Will I look back at my life and question the purity of my motives? Will it matter to anyone?

I'm afraid this fight between head and heart will last forever.

Surfing offers me a brief reprieve but also instigates further tension.

While a good surf session will help me forget about the underlying predicament, a great surf session fuels the heart. I'm inspired to ignore or at least delay "real life" responsibilities, plan the next surf trip, and further feed the heart.

When the dry spell inevitably comes, I look back and I feel a little reckless. Am I on the right path for a life well lived? What will my future self think about today's decisions?

Luckily, the next good swell is never too far around the corner. I can continue to put off the big and important questions.

Maybe worrying about it at all is a waste of energy anyways. For now the balance seems to be reasonable. I have no internal or external pressures pushing me in one direction or the other. The middle path isn't so bad.